Celebrities: They're Just Like Us!

From another recent People headline:

Chris Brown had an entourage of three bodyguards when he descended on Blade Lounge in Miami’s Fontainebleau and upped the number to five bodyguards when he headed to Liv nightclub later the same night. /NYP 10

I’ve been thinking about this one for a couple of days. If I ever ended up in a situation in which I felt like I was in physical danger, and for some reason STILL felt like hitting the clubs, who would I bring with me? I think I’ve got a pretty solid list:

1. Delinda. She’s been to known to get bat-shit crazy over injustice. See her blog post about the smackdown laid upon Washington Mutual. She’s also taken to court a landlord who tried to take the cost of lightbulbs out of her security deposit—and that was before she passed the California bar. Remember that scene in Legally Blonde when Elle puts on her glasses and spouts out legal jargon to save the dog? Well, that’s kind of like Delinda…but then tack on the intimidation factor of dented shins and missing toenails from playing hard-core soccer. Anyone who’s willing to lose a body part over an inflated piece of rubber is obviously a maddog, and one to be on your side in a barfight.

2. Russell. I should first point out that Russell is ALSO a lawyer, and about to start clerking in the Supreme Court of Texas. He was president of his law school class. He owns more than one suit. But, damn, you get him around a bar and talk some smack and the next thing you know, he’s throwing beers at you! EVEN IF YOU’RE A GIRL! And then starting Facebook wars! And then probably suing you! And once you’ve been punished physically, socially and legally, what’s even left? It’s not gonna be your pride, because when he’s done, he’ll steal your girlfriend.

3. Allison. This one grew up in a multi-colored house with multi-colored siblings in a land of peace and rainbows and happiness: Cambridge, Mass. She’s all lovey-dovey and researches plants for a living and just adores the world and living things. She’ll also talk shit to a firefighter. I have watched this woman, in a bikini top and grass skirt, refuse medical treatment, scale a bunk bed for safety, and tuck herself in whilst the firefighters were still in the room. To top it all off, she then announced that she was ready to be snuggled.

4. Richard “Ricky” “Richie” Coffin. I’d just put him in between me and my predator, and Ricky would give him a big grin. If that doesn’t diffuse the situation, Ricky would exhibit that his socks exactly match his shirt. A close examination would give the rest of us plenty of time to escape.*

*Said close examination would yield conclusive evidence that the match is uncanny.