Judgement

Many of you know that part of my time off is being spent pursuing an entrepreneurial endeavor, which is still nameless and kind of a blob of an elaborate plan right now, but is giving me insights into what I want out of life and how I think about work and how much time I can kill on the internet.

Mostly, I've been reading theknot.com.

Everyone of my generation who knows any woman who's gotten married has heard of The Knot, because the first thing most engaged women do is go online and figure out how they're going to throw what will probably be the biggest gala event she'll ever put her name on. And, in addition to it being fancy, it also has to be unforgettable for every single guest. (The word at Delinda's wedding was that no one wanted to be the next to get married, because not only did she and Josh have an art museum, but they also had an ocean view, the hottest day of the year, a photo booth with full Mexican wrestler costumes, sparklers, an 80s cover band, AND someone had to be taken away in an ambulance. And therefore, in that group of friends, no one has dared get married for the last two years. It's just too much pressure.)

So, anyway, I've been reading The Knot, and I can see why people are addicted to it. First of all, it tells you right off the bat that you stand to fail at this task. In fact, the very first article on the "Planning Basics" page is "Brides' Biggest Wedding Regrets." You're going to pick the wrong bridesmaids or the wrong veil ("55+ Veil Ideas!"), your Future Intended (there's a whole other language on this site) is going to get mad if your wedding bands don't match his watch, and every future in-law has either a drinking problem or a whiny kid who's going to ruin the ceremony.

But if you're on The Knot, you have bigger problems. First of all, it's almost impossible to escape its grasp. To view anything of substance (a relative term), you have to give the site your wedding date. "Mine" is this October, and my inbox is blowing up with purchases I should be handling right now. I've consoled several brides who input their wedding dates, for real, watched The Knot generate a checklist of what needed to be accomplished and how far out each task should be handled, and then burst into tears. I think I'm popular as a bridesmaid because of my absolute disdain for people who ruin all the fun of your wedding by making you stress about it.

But I couldn't believe this story: One of the most popular features on The Knot is the chat boards, where brides-to-be (grooms never seem to worry about these things) post their worries and their stories and their bargains for all their virtual friends to see. It's basically a way to enjoy your planning without wearing out your friends. But SOMEONE told me the other day that she got out of the chats when she kept seeing brides sign back in to report that other members of the chat rooms had shown up at their weddings...once, it seems, to steal the cocktail napkins.

Oh, hell no.

And then I saw this, posted in a chat room that, up to this point, had been happily chatting about what it means if your fiance gets a new job right before the wedding:

"I have this friend who's perpetually single. I try to sympathize with her, and support her when she's got a new crush, but behind her back, I laugh at her for only going for guys who are way out of her league."

And that's when I had to close my computer. Because it's one thing to write off The Knot as a site only for people who are massively excited about getting hitched. And I'm OK with reading the thoughts of people who are giddily in love and celebrating that with things that are color-coordinated. But if you're both stressed about napkin rings AND just happy to find someone who's "in your league," it's going to take a lot of work on my end not to stage an intervention.

On a TOTALLY UNRELATED note, happy anniversary, Lindi and Jeff.